


Pod Save Hogwarts

by DiscoSam



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Age of Consent, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Second War (Voldemort), Banter, Developing Relationship, Developing Wolfstar, Did I mention swearing?, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mentions of Drinking & Drug Use, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Podcast, Podcast: Pod Save America, Politics, Pre-War, Pureblood Politics (Harry Potter), Sarcasm, Sexual Humor, Swearing, Transcript Format, Voldemort Doesn't Gain Power, podcast au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28051641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiscoSam/pseuds/DiscoSam
Summary: Listen, the premise is simple: it’s a political commentary podcast AU in the style of Pod Save America, in the Harry Potter universe, during the events of the Marauders era, but kinda set in modern day, where wolfstar has the chance to flourish, Peter doesn’t betray his friends, Voldemort doesn’t actually rise to power, and the dialogue is unapologetically American. Simple.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 10





	Pod Save Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so like I said, it's a podcast AU in the style of Pod Save America - but you do not need to have listened to Pod Save America in order to enjoy it. Just know it's politically commentary and in this universe Voldemort ultimately does not come to power (I'm using Trump and his supporters as inspiration). If you're familiar with PSA, James is written in the style of Jon Favreau, Sirius is written in the style of Jon Lovett, Remus in the style of Tommy Vietor, and Peter is just Peter (I thought about writing him in the style of Dan, but I have too much respect for Dan and I'm not a huge fan of Peter - sorry). I'll be posting more episodes, but they're not written yet. I do have a rough outline, though, and I'm thinking it will be about 5 episodes? We'll see, I guess. Not beta'd. Enjoy!

—————

[music]

—————

**JAMES** : Hey guys! Welcome to the DEBUT EPISODE of our new program, Pod Save Hogwarts! Can’t believe we’re finally doing this. 

**PETER** : We’ve been talking about it for ages. 

**JAMES** : Totally. So, ah. Let’s introduce ourselves, shall we? For those of you who don’t know me, I’m James Potter. 

**PETER** : I’m Peter Pettigrew.

**REMUS** : I’m Remus Lupin.

**SIRIUS** : Hi, yeah. I’ve got a question. Or is it a beef? It’s kind of in between. But, um. Here’s the pickle. The quandary, if you will.

**JAMES** : Sirius Black, ladies and gentlemen! Dude, you couldn’t at least let me get through the introduction first?

**SIRIUS** : James, they get it. Okay? They get what’s going on here. They know who we are. Well, they might not know who Peter is -

**PETER** : Screw you, Black. 

**SIRIUS** : - but, um. They get it. We shoot the shit, maybe talk about current events or whatever, yadda yadda yadda. Let’s get to the important shit, ok?

**REMUS** : Jesus.

**SIRIUS** : Moony, please.

[silence]

**SIRIUS** : What’s, uh. What’s the fucking deal with these goddam staircases, am I right?

**JAMES** : [laughing] Staircases, huh?

**SIRIUS** : These staircases. They’re moving around all the goddam time and -

[laughing]

**SIRIUS** : - no, I’m serious.

**JAMES** : Now we’re getting to the  _ real _ important stuff. 

**PETER** : The deep questions. 

**REMUS** : Padfoot, have you considered a career in investigative journalism?

[laughing]

**SIRIUS** : Listen, you animals, if I have to be late one more time to Transfiguration. [sighing] Guys, I might lose her.

**PETER** : Who?

**SIRIUS** : The love of my life.

**JAMES** : Oh boy, here we go.

**REMUS** : Christ. 

**SIRIUS** : Moony, don’t look at me like that. 

**REMUS** : Before you say anything else, I’d like to congratulate you -

**SIRIUS** : For my bravery and vulnerability. Thank you, Moony. I’m so glad someone finally acknowledged -

**REMUS** : No, you idiot. On your creativity in blaming fucking staircases on why you can’t get to lessons on time.

**SIRIUS** : Moony, I am  _ offended _ .

**REMUS** : But more importantly, you’re never gonna lose something you never had. Like, not to be unnecessarily obvious, but you never had a fucking shot to begin with, dude. 

**JAMES** : Bingo.

**SIRIUS** : [gasps]

**REMUS** : She’s not interested in some 18 year old shithead. 

**JAMES** : And even if she was - 

**PETER** : She isn’t. 

**JAMES** : - the age gap is problematic.

**REMUS** : And then there’s the power dynamic.

**JAMES** : It’s all a little creepy.

**PETER** : Should we even be talking about this? Can we like get in trouble?

**JAMES** : Nah, we’re fine Petey.

**SIRIUS** : Listen you motherfuckers, I will not sit back and let you destroy my hopes and dreams ON AIR as my future wife listens in.

**PETER** : Oh shit, do you think she’s going to be listening to this?

**JAMES** : Relax, mate.

**PETER** : [whispering] We are talking about McGonagall, right?

**REMUS** : Obviously.

**SIRIUS** : Hey you know what? The age gap, the power dynamic, it all just adds to the, ah… fucking fantasy, you know?

**JAMES** : Whatever, man.

**PETER** : Wow. 

**REMUS** : Kinks on full display. 

**PETER** : He’s warped.

**SIRIUS** : [scoffs] That’s not even that half of it. You think that’s kinky? That’s nothing. Jesus, I didn’t realize I was surrounded by the frigid old nuns who kicked Maria out of the convent.

**JAMES** : Huh?

**SIRIUS** : It’s like that town in Footloose in here. 

**JAMES** : Bro, we don’t even know what you’re talking about. Is that like some muggle thing?

**SIRIUS** : Yeah. James. It’s like some  _ muggle thing _ . 

**JAMES** : What is he on about?

**PETER** : Sirius and Remus have been binging on muggle films and when I say I’d rather poke my eyes out then have to see one of these shitty movies again, it’s not even an exaggeration.

**JAMES** : When has this been happening?!

**PETER** : Any time they’re in the dorm nowadays!

**REMUS** : You’re usually with Lily. 

**SIRIUS** : Well someone’s gotta keep me warm at night when my boyfriend is away! Thank god for Remus! He’s really stepped up to the plate!

**REMUS** : Oh, so I’m just second fiddle to Prongs?

**SIRIUS** : Listen. Babe. Don’t put me on the spot like that. Your first love is always special, you know?

**JAMES** : To be honest, Moony, you’re doing us all a favor by keeping him occupied when I’m not around. The guy gets wound up.

**REMUS** : Fucking telling me.

**SIRIUS** : Okay we’re getting off track. Doesn’t matter. The point is, you all are a bunch of fucking prudes if you find a  _ consensual,  _ -

**REMUS** : Imaginary.

**SIRIUS** : - sexual relationship between a professor and her adult - ADULT - lover taboo.

**REMUS** : The shit that comes out of this man’s mouth. Like, honestly.

**PETER** : Well yeah you’re not a minor but a teacher-student relationship is still fucked. 

**JAMES** : This pod is going to need a Not Safe For Work warning.

**PETER:** It’s going to need a Not Safe For  _ Life _ warning.

**REMUS** : His depravity knows no bounds.

**SIRIUS** : Moony, stop. I expect it from these two clowns, but you? Quit acting like you don’t fucking love the wierdass shit that comes out of my mouth, cause I  _ know _ you do. 

**REMUS** : It’s true. 

**SIRIUS** : You  _ love _ it. 

**REMUS** : I do love it. I get off on it. I wasn’t going to say anything, but, it’s really getting me hot and bothered. My thighs are trembling just listening to you. 

**JAMES** : Holy shit, dude. You really went for it.

**SIRIUS** : FUCK, Moony.

**PETER** : Remus, don’t encourage him.

**SIRIUS** : Don’t tell him what to do! What were you saying about those trembling thighs, Moony? TREMBLING THIGHS. Did you hear that, James?  _ Trembling _ . Don’t you dare stop, Moony. Go on. 

**JAMES** : [laughing] And now for the erotica portion of the episode!

**REMUS** : Why tell you when I could show you?

**SIRIUS** : Goddammit, Moony! I was not physically, emotionally or spiritually prepared to feel the things I’m feeling right now. 

**PETER** : Can we move on yet?

**SIRIUS** : That’s it, Minerva is out. Remus J. Lupin is in. Fucking love of my life, right here.

**PETER** : I’m a little uncomfortable.

**SIRIUS** : Oh I’m sorry  _ Peter _ , do you have a problem with our relationship? Are you like allergic to romance? Is the idea of two men in love really so repulsive that you can’t stand hearing about it?

**PETER** : I didn’t mean it like that!

**REMUS** : How’d you mean it, then, Pete?

**PETER** : I just meant you don’t need to be so…  _ graphic _ . I don’t have a problem with - you know -

**JAMES** : Padfoot, you know how he is! We need to protect his innocence! At all costs!

**SIRIUS** : Listen. I refuse to censor myself. Not for you, not for anyone. 

**JAMES** : Okay, fine. Moving on. Let’s focus. 

**SIRIUS** : How am I supposed to focus on anything after hearing Moony talk about his fucking  _ thighs _ ? Jesus Christ. I can’t even look at him right now. 

**JAMES** : Well nothing better to kill the mood than discussing politics!

**PETER** : Hey now, politics is sexy. 

**SIRIUS** : Okay - you know what? Thanks Pete, that did it. 

**PETER** : What?

**SIRIUS** : Just hearing Peter say the word sexy was enough to cool me down. 

[laughter]

**SIRIUS** : Like a bucket of ice water. Instantaneous. 

**PETER** : Why doesn’t he ever shit on anyone else? It’s always me. 

**SIRIUS** : [laughing] You just - you make it  _ so easy _ . 

**PETER** : Come on, guys. Back me up. 

**REMUS** : You do. 

**JAMES** : Yeah. Sorry, man. 

**REMUS** : You’re just so easy to rile up. 

**JAMES** : I mean you’re basically asking for it. 

**SIRIUS** : And you look so adorable when you get frustrated. You’re like a - like a cute little ankle biter. It’s precious. 

**JAMES** : It’s true. 

**SIRIUS** : Look, Peter, in all sincerity - you are one of my best friends in the whole world -

**PETER** : Thank you. 

**SIRIUS** : - but picking on you is one of my greatest joys in life. 

**PETER** : [laughing] You’re such a prick. 

**SIRIUS** : It’s all in love, Wormtail. All in love. 

**JAMES** : I swear, this is not how every episode is going to start.

**SIRIUS** : Or is it  _ exactly  _ how every episode is going to start?

**JAMES** : Sirius bulldozes the conversation into weird territory, Remus lowkey makes everyone horny, and Peter gets picked on? Okay yeah that actually sounds about right. 

**REMUS** : I’ll take that as a compliment. 

**SIRIUS** : No, something - something’s missing…  _ Oh _ , I know. Prongs hasn’t talked about himself  _ nearly _ enough yet. Wanna give that horn of yours a little toot toot? You haven’t talked about quidditch for like twenty minutes and I know you’re about to fucking expire. 

**REMUS** : It’s like oxygen. 

**SIRIUS** : If he goes too long he’ll just drop dead. 

**REMUS** : The bro-ness needs to be let out or he’ll explode. 

**JAMES** : It’s about time someone finally asks about me! I mean I haven’t listened to a word you guys have said since we started - I’ve just been going over quidditch drills in my head this whole time, waiting for someone to bring it up. 

**SIRIUS** : I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised one bit.

**REMUS** : I’m actually really shocked you made it this long. 

**JAMES** : Thank you, Moony. I’m impressed with myself, too. 

**REMUS** : It was more an observation than a compliment. So. Don’t flatter yourself. 

**SIRIUS** : But that’s what he’s best at!

[laughing]

**SIRIUS** : You could literally say to the guy “You look like shit today” and he’d be like “Aha, so you were admiring my looks! Thank you for noticing!”

[laughing]

**PETER** : You would know how that goes, wouldn’t you, Sirius?

**SIRIUS** : Oh, absolutely. The  _ only _ person more full of himself than me is James. 

**REMUS** : And that’s no small feat. 

**SIRIUS** : No, it’s not. 

**PETER** : You’re both a couple of arrogant jocks. 

**SIRIUS** : Excuse me, I’m not a  _ jock _ . Do I play quidditch like a fucking all-star? Sure I do. But I don’t live and breathe quidditch like this guy does. It’s not, like, my only interest. Besides, I’ve got a bad boy reputation to uphold and the jock thing is not, um, it’s not the  _ vibe _ I’m going for. 

**JAMES** : But you are pretty fucking cocky, though. 

**SIRIUS** : Yes, of course I am - with a face and body like this who wouldn’t be? All I’m saying is - at least I've got some hidden depth that keeps me grounded, you know? But  _ you _ \- my  _ god _ . I think you fully believe you’re god’s gift to the world.

**JAMES** : I can't help that I’m super handsome and smart and athletic and funny -

**PETER** : Jesus. 

**JAMES** : - and a natural leader -

**SIRIUS** : Yeah, yeah, we get it. 

**JAMES** : - I mean, all these really great qualities! It’s not my fault!

**REMUS** : Hold on, I want to know more about Sirius’s hidden depth. Can you elaborate on that?

**SIRIUS** : Well. Lucky for you, Moony, you’ll find out a lot more about my, ah,  _ hidden depth _ later tonight, after these two have gone to bed. 

[laughing] 

**JAMES** : Here we go again. 

**SIRIUS** : You’ll become, ah, very _ intimate _ with my hidden depth. 

**REMUS** : Or, as I like to call it, your Hidden D. 

**JAMES** : [laughing hysterically] HIDDEN D!

**SIRIUS** : Yeah. My Hidden D. I’m gonna lay bare my Hidden D for you tonight. 

**REMUS** : I can’t wait. I’m gonna go  _ hard _ at your Hidden D. 

**SIRIUS** : [breathless] Please god go hard at it, Moony -

**PETER** : Good lord, you two. 

**SIRIUS** : - My D is all yours.

**PETER** : Prongs, are they  _ always _ like this and I’ve just never noticed?

**JAMES** : No? I mean, I’ve never seen them this explicit before. Though it feels weirdly organic? But more importantly we  _ were _ talking about  _ me _ and I’d like to get back to that conversation. 

**SIRIUS** : Oh my  _ god _ , just start talking then! You don’t have to announce it!

**JAMES** : Well stop stealing the show!

**REMUS** : You’re right, sorry Prongs. We were talking about how arrogant you are. Please continue. 

**JAMES** : Thank you. It’s good to be in the spotlight again. 

**PETER** : How was the game yesterday?

**JAMES** : Glad you asked, Pete! Well, as you know, we kicked Ravenclaw’s ass, which is really no surprise because our team this year is top notch. 

**SIRIUS** : You're welcome. 

**JAMES** : You know what? I’ll allow it. You can take partial credit. You had one  _ hell _ of a game yesterday. Sirius blocked every quaffle that came his way!

**SIRIUS** : I did have some pretty incredible saves. 

**JAMES** : Bro, when Blake knocked that bludger into Fawley -

**SIRIUS** : And headed straight the fuck for me? Yeah. 

**JAMES** : - and took off left field with the quaffle in your direction - I was like  _ shit _ , there’s no way -

**SIRIUS** : I swear to god, everything else blurred out of focus except him and me. 

**JAMES** : - and he tried to fake it to the right but holy shit your reflexes were  _ insane _ dude -

**SIRIUS** : I know. 

**JAMES** : - and you stopped it with, like, the tips of your  _ fingers _ ! 

**SIRIUS** : Sometimes the tip is all you need. 

**JAMES** : What a  _ fucking _ save!

**SIRIUS** : It was possibly the highlight of my career. 

**JAMES** : I had goosebumps!

**SIRIUS** : Listen, that jackass has let too many wins go to his head and now he walks around like his shit don’t stink. Someone needed to wipe that smug smile off his dumb fucking face. 

**JAMES** : Well you succeeded. It was glorious. 

**SIRIUS** : Thank you, Prongs. You’re too kind. You didn’t play so bad yourself.

**JAMES** : Yeah I played alright.

**SIRIUS** : I heard your name announced, like, every five minutes. You played better than alright. 

**JAMES** : Only every five minutes?

**SIRIUS** : There it is. 

**JAMES** : Their team is better this year than last year, but they’ve got some blind spots. 

**SIRIUS** : Leave it to you to sniff them out. 

**JAMES** : It’s all part of the fun. 

**SIRIUS** : Browne had some phenomenal blocks. And how about when McKinnon dodged that bludger and scored?

**JAMES** : Holy shit, dude, what a play. What a play. Honestly I think that was her best game so far this season. 

**SIRIUS** : She was a force to be reckoned with, for sure. She’s always had a killer arm but this year she’s been on fire. 

**JAMES** : Totally. And once Dawson caught sight of the snitch it was all over. She went in for the kill. I mean, everyone played beautifully. 

**REMUS** : Wow, this is all riveting content. 

**PETER** : What? I spaced out for like a solid five minutes. 

**JAMES** : Ravenclaw, on the other hand -

**REMUS** : And they’re still going. 

**JAMES** : - they played okay but they had some real issues. They weren’t as tight as they should have been. Which was weird, because they destroyed Hufflepuff the week before. 

**SIRIUS** : Yeah but remember the Puffs had that massive party the night before the Ravenclaw game?

**JAMES** : No. 

**SIRIUS** : Moony, remember that?

**REMUS** : Huh?

**SIRIUS** : That Hufflepuff party?

**REMUS** : Oh man. Honestly, I barely remember anything from that night.

**SIRIUS** : Well, neither do I, but from what I do remember it was legendary. Say what you want about Hufflepuffs, but they know how to fucking party. Prongs, you and Pete were doing… something - I don’t remember. Something lame. 

**JAMES** :  _ Studying _ ?

**SIRIUS** : Yeah, that was it. 

**REMUS** : I had fully intended on studying after we left the greenhouses. 

**SIRIUS** : Yeah. So did I. Thankfully we made the right decision to  _ not _ do that. But yeah, there was no hope for the team to play well the next day. It was a sure thing for Ravenclaw. Even I needed a day to recover. 

**JAMES** : I vaguely remember that now. I mean Hufflepuff started the match absolutely terrible but they rallied back and took control of the game later on. Until that game, Hufflepuff has played pretty solid - better than Ravenclaw. Though, I hate to say it, I think they’re gonna have their asses handed to them by Slytherin next week. 

**SIRIUS** : Hey. Don’t say things like that. You’ll jinx it. 

**JAMES** : Just telling it like it is, man. 

**SIRIUS** : They’ve got a shot. 

**JAMES** : Not after they got killed by Ravenclaw. You gotta admit, that was brutal. 

**SIRIUS** : I dunno, I didn’t watch it. I was sleeping off my hangover. Or at least  _ trying _ to. SOMEONE kept hogging the blankets. It was really annoying. 

**REMUS** : Then you should’ve slept in your own fucking bed. Simple as that. 

**SIRIUS** : The sun was shining on mine! And the window kept blowing the curtains open! You know I can’t sleep under those conditions!

**JAMES** : Wait, did this actually happen or this part of your, uh, shtick?

**REMUS** : No, this actually happened. 

**PETER** : I can confirm. They were still like that when I got back to the room later. 

**JAMES** : Jesus. [laughing] There are gonna be a lot of rumors swirling around after this episode has aired!

**SIRIUS** : Good. Moony loves the attention. 

**REMUS** : [snorts] Yeah right. 

**SIRIUS** : By the way, what shtick? I resent that. My adoration for Moony is genuine and pure. 

**JAMES** : Yeah, okay. This seems like a good place to take a break. When we come back, we’re gonna switch gears and get to the, ah,  _ sobering _ state of affairs. So stick around. 

—————

[music]

—————

**JAMES** : This episode of PSH is sponsored by -

**SIRIUS** : YOUR MOM. 

[silence]

**JAMES** : But seriously, it is sponsored by -

**SIRIUS** : Your mom.

**JAMES** : - my mom. 

**JAMES** : Thanks for helping us launch this thing, mom. 

**SIRIUS** : Thank you Euphemia. We love you. 

**REMUS** : That’s nice of you guys to say, but if we’re lucky she’s not going to hear any of this. Ever. 

**JAMES** : Too true. 

**SIRIUS** : Yeah, guys. Come on. Less with the dick jokes, okay? Grow up. 

**JAMES** : Well that ship has sailed. But hey! If you, awesome listener, want to pay us to advertise your business, you know, send us an owl and let’s get to work. 

**PETER** : Please and thank you. 

**JAMES** : Send us your info and we’ll work our magic. 

**SIRIUS** : Not like dark magic. 

**JAMES** : No. Just, like, the art of persuasion. 

**REMUS** : So it’s really more art than magic. 

**JAMES** : Sure, yeah. 

**SIRIUS** : Listen. You may be thinking, why would I pay these goons to advertise for us? Why should I invest in four young idiots, who wield little more than a set of microphones and inflated egos? 

[laughter]

**SIRIUS** : Well. I’ll tell you why. 

**REMUS** : Tell us. 

**SIRIUS** : I’m getting there, Moony. Here’s why: it’s going to be a wildly popular podcast. 

[silence]

**JAMES** : That’s it?

**SIRIUS** : What more do you need?

**REMUS** : Well you really built it up. 

**PETER** : We thought there was going to be more. 

**SIRIUS** : Look, I’m not a copywriter. Okay? But I’m more than capable of reading things out loud. So send us your copy and I’ll, ah, recite it. On air. We’ll broadcast it for you. I’ll -

**JAMES** : Enough said, I guess. 

**SIRIUS** : - ah. Our microphones are like our paintbrush and the podcast is like the canvas. 

**PETER** : Okay?

**SIRIUS** : Going with the art metaphor. 

**JAMES** : Right. Of persuasion. 

**PETER** : Oh, right. 

**SIRIUS** : And our voices are like the paint. 

**JAMES** : Yes, totally.

**SIRIUS** : And I’m super popular. So. That’s why. I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice by not sponsoring us. Trust me -

**REMUS** : He’s not wrong. 

**SIRIUS** : - the tea leaves told me. 

**REMUS** : I’m pretty sure there was some prophecy about this. Like, how hugely successful you’ll be after we drop your ads. 

**SIRIUS** : Yeah that was my prophecy. 

**JAMES** : What do you mean by your prophecy?

**SIRIUS** : Like I spoke the prophecy. I uttered the prophecy -

**JAMES** : Oh right. 

**SIRIUS** : - into existence. 

**JAMES** : No, yeah, I forgot about that. 

**SIRIUS** : Yeah, me too. Me too. I totally forgot. Luckily, Moony here has a mind like a steel trap. 

**JAMES** : Thank god for Moony. 

**SIRIUS** : Seriously. 

**JAMES** : Honestly, what would we do without Moony?

**PETER** : Probably be dead. 

**REMUS** : That’s actually accurate. 

**JAMES** : Yeah. So hey! Send us an owl so this popular guy can read your ad!

**SIRIUS** : Do it. 

**REMUS** : He’ll read the shit out of it. 

**SIRIUS** : I will. 

**REMUS** : Plus he’s got a really sexy voice, so that helps. 

**SIRIUS** : Sorry, Moony, I didn’t catch that. Can you say that again?

**JAMES** : HE SAID YOU’VE GOT A REALLY SEXY VOICE.

**SIRIUS** : Okay you don’t need to shout at me, god damn. I wanted Moony to say it, not you. 

**REMUS** : You’ve got a really sexy voice, Sirius. It’s like rich and bright but a little rough around the edges -

**SIRIUS** : Yeah, you like it rough?

**REMUS** : Yeah, just the way I like it. 

**JAMES** : Alright calm down, you two. Reach out to us and um, yeah. We look forward to advertising with you!

**REMUS** : Voice like hot sex. 

—————

[music]

—————

**JAMES** : Okay, we’re back. Let’s get down to business. We’re gonna really sober up, here. So there’s been a lot of kinda fucked up shit going on in the wizarding community and that’s why we wanted to start this podcast - just to like talk about it and get our fellow young adults engaged and informed. So um. Yesterday the Minister of Magic shut down rumors of a coming war, saying the ministry has a “full and aggressive handle” on the situation. This is just his latest attempt to downplay the unrest that’s been brewing among certain groups of pure blood wizards. What do we think, is that actually going to help anything? Moony, why don’t you kick us off. 

**REMUS** : I mean, look. We’re actively engaged in the wizarding community, like obviously we wouldn’t be doing this if we weren’t, so we’ve been aware for some time now that murky things have been brewing in the twisted underworld of the purist society. But like, now the rumors are so widespread that even witches and wizards who have long disengaged with the ministry are becoming aware that there’s something going on. And like, call me naive, but I’m willing to believe that most people are decent and see this for what it is: an evil cult threatening to undermine the ability for purebloods and muggles and everyone in between to collaborate and live in peace with one another. But then there’s this fucking  _ bonkers _ subset of pureblood families whose heads are so far up their own asses that they’re not only willing to believe every bit of bullshit progaganda launched their way, but actually proud to be bigoted assholes.

**JAMES** : Right. Totally. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Sirius, care to comment on the, ah, fucking bonkers pureblood families? 

[laughing]

**SIRIUS** : How long are these episodes?

**JAMES** : Not long enough!

**SIRIUS** : Never long enough. I think my therapist and I have just barely skimmed the surface.

[laughing]

**SIRIUS** : And it’s only taken six years!

**REMUS** : Keep it up and maybe you’ll get to the good stuff before they retire.

**JAMES** : Hey, something to shoot for!

**PETER** : It’s good to have goals.

**SIRIUS** : Every time she thinks we’re starting to get to the real meat and potatoes I throw another zinger her way and we’re off to the races again.

**JAMES** : MOMENTUM!

**SIRIUS** : The other day. [laughing] This is a true story. The other day I was telling her about a time I put up posters of muggle bands all over the house, and she stopped me and asked, um, “Did that experience give you a sense of control in an otherwise out of control situation?” and I was like, “Listen, sweetie, we’ll get to that. First let me tell you about my mother’s reaction to the half-naked muggle babe staring at her from the wall.”

[laughing]

**REMUS** : Cool story. You just made that up, didn’t you?

**SIRIUS** : I did, yes. I’m kidding, that didn’t actually happen. 

**SIRIUS** : Also I don’t have a female therapist. 

**SIRIUS** : Also I don’t have a therapist. 

**SIRIUS** : Well I have these three and they’re basically therapists. 

**PETER** : We’re not technically trained in psychiatry. 

**JAMES** : “Technically.”

**REMUS** : He’s a terrible client. 

**SIRIUS** : I know, I am. I’m demanding, I don’t pay well -

**JAMES** : You don’t pay at all!

**SIRIUS** : Well, I don’t pay in  _ currency _ , let’s just say that. 

[laughter]

**SIRIUS** : But, um. Look. I’m not gonna get into my own whack job family issues, but like yeah there’s a lot of intolerant pure blood families out there who abide by this archaic ideology that wizards with “tainted” blood lines are somehow inferior to those with pure blood lines, and should be treated as such. Obviously for like any sensible human being this, like, a really disturbing way of thinking. And it needs to be said that there  _ are _ notable pure blood families that don’t believe this heap of garbage. I mean, James -

**JAMES** : Yeah. 

**SIRIUS** : - you could go on about that. We’ve both come from pretty old pureblood families and yet I don’t think our home lives growing up could possibly be any more different. 

**JAMES** : It’s true. Like, completely opposite. 

**SIRIUS** : And like sure some of that comes down to personality differences, but it mostly stems from this strict, ultra traditional worldview that influences every thing they do. And for a long time that was kinda getting phased out. But then here comes this gifted, outspoken wizard who’s not afraid to vocalize and defend all these questionable values they’ve been clinging to behind closed doors and suddenly these people are becoming more bold and feeling vindicated. 

**REMUS** : Like, the assholes are feeling justified for being assholes, and so then they form a band of assholes and the asshole-ness intensifies. 

**SIRIUS** : Wow. Moony. Beautifully said. You have such a way with words. 

**REMUS** : Thank you. 

**SIRIUS** : You’re welcome. 

**PETER** : And they have a ringleader now who’s attempting to normalize it.

**JAMES** : And, in a way, succeeding. 

**REMUS** : Right. But like the scariest part is that there’s this pretty significant chunk of people in the middle who recognize that it’s a threat to our institutions and the wizarding community as a whole but are too terrified to get involved or to speak out against it. 

**JAMES** : Well, and not to be alarming, but this  _ is _ a pretty powerful group of wizards. 

**REMUS** : Well, and not just wizards -

**JAMES** : Right. 

**REMUS** : There’s like this whole motley crew of magical creatures jumping on the bandwagon. Which is honestly a sticky issue because there are some aspects of, I’m just gonna say it, Voldemort’s agenda that acknowledge areas where the wizarding community haven’t treated them the best. And so he’s gained their support by incorporating some basic, you know,  _ valid _ talking points, which is likely the only part they’re paying attention to, but it’s wrapped up in all this other bullshit of like non-magical beings are the scum of the earth and need to be dealt with accordingly. 

**JAMES** : No, yeah, totally. I mean like from what I’ve seen so far he’s kind of a master manipulator - he knows what different groups of people want to hear. So he’s smart in that way. 

**PETER** : Well and he’s like honestly a good speaker. He’s handsome, he’s confident - it’s like some weird paradox that he looks like a normal, smart, respectable guy but the words that come out of his mouth is vile garbage. But like, you only hear that if you’re paying attention. Which, for a lot of people, if you’re just seeing a picture of him in the paper or seeing a clip of him speaking, you’re not hearing the horrible things he’s saying. So then it almost seems like the people who are up in arms about him are overreacting. And so now we’ve got this incredible division going on among those are in the know, and it turns a lot of people off. They just want their family safe. And for some, that means turning a blind eye. 

**JAMES** : Yeah. People are legitimately scared. 

**SIRIUS** : The thing is - yeah he’s a fucking powerful wizard, he’s well spoken, he’s persuasive, but I think it’s becoming clearer and clearer that - he literally  _ only _ cares about power. 

**PETER** : And honestly for the average person, that’s the message we should be communicating. He doesn’t care about his followers. His entire modus operandi is like carefully curated and manufactured to get people on board without stopping to question what his true intentions are. And like, that’s what we should be honing in on. 

**JAMES** : I mean, you’re right. Like, if we focus on, ‘this is a bad dude, his followers are evil, just like he is,’ we’re only setting ourselves up for failure. That’s not a message the resonates or like does well with the average wizard. 

**REMUS** : Or anybody, really.

**JAMES** : Right. And I think that’s our knee jerk reaction - to sound the alarm on how terrifying and evil this guy is. But that’s a message that can work well with some people - that he’s some sort of strongman. What we need to do is convince people that he’s actually really pathetic and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. 

**SIRIUS** : Like, even these delusional pure blood families, we need to try to work on getting that message across that becoming his follower does not give you a free ticket to a life of grandeur. If you think your life is going to be better under Voldemort’s role, it’s just a fallacy. 

**REMUS** : You are not going to be a superior being if he comes to power - everyone is going to be inferior to him. He’s going to use you until he has no more use for you. 

**SIRIUS** : And, rest assured, he will. He will use you and then discard you. 

**JAMES** : One hundred percent. One hundred percent. It’s, uh… it’s not gonna end well for anyone, if he comes to power.

**SIRIUS** : No… it’s not. 

[silence]

**JAMES** : And on that note, that’s about all the depressing shit I can handle for the day! We need something, like, lighthearted to end on. 

**SIRIUS** : Do you, um - do you want me to tell you a joke?

**JAMES** : [laughing] By all means! Please do!

**SIRIUS** : Okay, um. Why, uh… Why did… 

[silence] 

**JAMES** : Take your time. 

**SIRIUS** : What do you call a… 

[silence] 

**SIRIUS** : I don’t know. I got nothing. 

[laughing]

**JAMES** : What?!

**PETER** : Yikes. 

**SIRIUS** : I can’t think!

**JAMES** : Dammit, Sirius, now I’m in an even worse mood than I was before! [laughing]

**SIRIUS** : I’m sorry. I’M SORRY. I know. I’m just - I’m flustered. Moony was just looking - whatever. Never mind. There was just too much pressure. 

**REMUS** : What was I doing?

**SIRIUS** : Nothing. You were doing nothing. Just being - you.

**REMUS** : Fine. I’ve got one. 

**PETER** : A joke?

**REMUS** : Yeah. 

**JAMES** : Let’s hear it!

**REMUS** : What do you call Padfoot when he’s joking around?

**JAMES** : What?

**REMUS** : Not-So-Sirius Black. 

[laughing]

**SIRIUS** : Wow. WOW, Moony. You really went with a joke about my  _ name _ .

**REMUS** : I did, yeah. I did. But if you had come up with a joke on your own I wouldn’t have had to make up such a dumb fucking joke in the first place. 

**PETER** : Why would you offer to tell a joke if you didn’t even know one?

**SIRIUS** : I don’t know, Jesus! Get off my back!

**JAMES** : [laughing] I don’t think we could have a better ending than that! If you’ve made it this far - 

**SIRIUS** : WHY?

**JAMES** : - [laughing] right?! If you made it to the end, thanks for joining us for our first episode and we’ll be back next week!

**REMUS** : If they let us. 

**PETER** : No kidding. 

**JAMES** : Have a great week, guys!

**REMUS** : Later. 

**PETER** : See ya. 

**SIRIUS** : Byeee!

—————

[music]

—————


End file.
